Parents struggling to control their hyperactive ADHD kids have a new weapon in their arsenol – NK-U-0T. Temporarily called “Wonder-Z” by its manufacturer, Dippy Drugs, Wonder-Z is expected to sell like hotcakes when it hits the pharmacy shelves this fall.

“We expect to ship a massive number of pills,” Rob Thompson, CEO of Dippy Drugs said. “We plan to have Wonder-Z to all of the major pharmacy chains by the time school begins in the fall.”

That should be a relief to parents as well as to teachers, who often complain that there aren’t enough options when it comes to dealing with ADHD kids.

“They just bounce off of the walls,” Judy Hankins, a teacher at Rosewood Middle School in Portland, Maine said. “They take their pills but it just doesn’t seem to help sometimes. They need something stronger.”

Mrs Hankins describes some of the most unruly behavior of one of her ADHD students. “He’ll just be sitting there listening to me teach and then, BOOM, his hand goes in the air and he asks a question.”

Mrs Hankins describes another time when the kids in her class were working on a project. “He always wanted to be involved. He would ask questions, do the work, and even redo some of it if he didn’t think it was right. I thought he was just going to drop dead of exhaustion. He really scared me sometimes.”

With diagnoses of ADHD on the rise, officials at the Centers For Disease Control are preparing to issue an ADHD epidemic warning.

“It’s just spreading by leaps and bounds,” Dr. Roy Tims, and epidemiologist at the center said. “Every time we think we have it cornered, it mutates.” Tims and his collegues are planning to distribute a pamphlet with warning signs of ADHD infection to hospitals and clinics over the next few months. Some of the warning signs included are :

• Wakefulness during the daytime
• Inability to ignore teachers or parents during discussions
• Inability to disinterest themselves in schoolwork
• Reading
• Asking questions
• An excited but restful look during the day
• Normal bowel movements
• Desire for physical activity

Dr Tims recommends taking your child to see your family doctor if he or she exhibits two or more of these symptoms.

The new drug, Wonder-Z is in the same class of drugs as Valium. One capsule, they say, will put the unruly child straight to sleep. No more hyperactivity. You will need to make sure that the snoring doesn’t disturb other children, though, which could be solved with another drug, tentatively called I-Kilz-U, which is due out early next year pending FDA approval.

–staff reporter–bs