Tallahassee, Florida — Jeb Bush was so upset with the Supreme Court for not defending his quickly-crafted Terri’s Law that he punched a hole through a filing cabinet. After he calmed down, he began working on a new law to try to sidestep the courts.

In 2003 Jeb Bush quickly rushed through the Florida Legislature a bill that became known as “Terri’s Law”. This law made it illegal to allow Terri Schiavo to die by witholding feeding. The courts subsequently declared the law unconstitutional. Jeb Bush had hoped that the U.S. Supreme Court would take up the case and create a national precedent for disallowing the intentional withholding of vital nutrients or hydration. The U.S. Supreme Court decided to not hear the case, which let the lower court’s decision that the law was unconstitutional stand.

The new law, enacted on March 7, goes even further. Since one of the downfalls of Terri’s Law was that it applied to only one person, Jeb Bush decided to write the new law to apply to everyone.

So, as of March 7, 2005, it is illegal to die within the state of Florida. If you are caught in the act of dying, you will be fined up to $10,000 and may have to spend a year in jail. If you are caught discussing or planning your own death, it is punishable by a fine up to $5,000 and six month’s in jail.

“We just think that death is unnatural,” Bush said. “It’s an alternative lifestyle that we’re just not willing to accept anymore. We’re not going to let dead people push their lifestyles on us any more.”

staff reporter – BS